Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
