you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm too high and old for this...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
