Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
