I never want to see another naked old woman again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
