tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i believe in u and ur pee
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