I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
