i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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