I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
