Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
