He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize