im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
