He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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