He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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