im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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