I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
