please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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