Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
