Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
