tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
