I just threw up on my dentist
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
