Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
