i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
