saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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