Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Is Oprah even human
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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