You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
