So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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