When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I wear drunk well.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
