My liver just broke up with me...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
