Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
