OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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