i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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