woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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