My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
