2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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