My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize