So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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