My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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