this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
