matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
