I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
