i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
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He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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