I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
