he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
did you just send me my own nude
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
