took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
