Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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