my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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