walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
