The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
