No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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