My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
