even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My ATM looks so different sober.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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