the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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