We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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