I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
