So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
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I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
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She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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