Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
